This is your Headstone. I've been trying to show it to you for months. Cynt chose it, worded the sentiments and paid. You would be so proud of her. She's handling her business. I hope you are pleased with it.
I attempted to go out there right after Michael's Party, but she suggested I wait. She still hasn't changed anything or let anything go. I think she thinks having me around might "force" her to do that. :( Now that I have waited this long, the more difficult it has become to even think about going. It's nearly a year, and I still miss you every day of my life. So much I need to talk to you about. Sad situation, huh? :( I know. :)
35 But someone may ask, “How will the dead be raised? What kind of bodies will they have?” 36 What a foolish question! When you put a seed into the ground, it doesn’t grow into a plant unless it dies first. 37 And what you put in the ground is not the plant that will grow, but only a bare seed of wheat or whatever you are planting. 38 Then God gives it the new body he wants it to have.
53 For our dying bodies must be transformed into bodies that will never die; our mortal bodies must be transformed into immortal bodies.
54 Then, when our dying bodies have been transformed into bodies that will never die, this Scripture will be fulfilled:
YOU GOT NEW LEGS NOW, BOO...HAVE YOURSELF A WALK AROUND HEAVEN!
While you are walking around, and getting an audience with Jesus, look your brother up. He's going to be so glad to see you, and to see you walking. Y'all have fun. Fare thee well. I'll see you. Oh child, I'll see you. xoxo
Thursday, September 1, 2016
Hi there (Your infamous greeting),
Two weeks to the day that you made your transition. I am so happy for you, Baby; no more embarrassment, humiliation, regret, shortcomings, dependency, loneliness, wistfulness. No more heartache, no more hurt, no more tears, and Lord Jesus, no more pain. You are Free; at peace; at rest.
In spite of it all my joy, my heart breaks daily, when I look at the clock, trying to give you time to wake up so I can call. You have alternately been my Little Brother, my Child, my Big Brother, my Husband, my Friend and Confidante, and on many occasions, my Daddy. You've been Advisor, Planner, Negotiator, Champion and Supporter. I miss you so much. Thanks to modern technology, I will always have the sound of your voice around me, but it's nothing compared to an actual real conversation.
When I get past the loneliness, adjust to and accept the fact that I now have no one to talk to, I mean really, really talk to, I’ll probably be able to put some kind of life back together for myself.
I awakened this morning thinking “I have to remember to ask Johnnie about the Elijah in Jaylen’s name.” Then I remembered…Oh God!
I talked to A.J. Tuesday, and he mentioned that his grandson is named Elijah and that your grandson’s middle name is Elijah. I wasn’t aware of that nor any significance associated with it; might have been a coincidence or it could be something else, but I will never know.
Speaking of Jaylen, he can ride now without the training wheels. Ain’t that something? The day you are laid to your eternal rest, he had Uncles and Cousins holding the bike teaching him to balance himself and ride. He was so excited. I know you tried so hard, but you just couldn’t do it in the chair.
Your children are going to be alright. They went back to work this week. Getting back to the routine of their life is healthy and will help the healing. Cynt is going to be better/alright in time. She has so much ahead of her and I know she’s overwhelmed. She says she’s going back to work next week, even though she still has “time off.” I will go back to help if she wants/needs me. I’m going back soon whether she says anything or not. I told you I was not going to desert your family and I meant it. Chet already asked me, “Tee, are you coming back to visit us?” I said, “Of course.” And I meant it.
I thank the Lord for all those nights I spent in the hospital with you; the long, long talks; the sharing of feelings; the time and ability to say things to each other we had never shared before. You said, "I hope in the end, you have somebody to take as good of care of you as you have done for me. And I hope I'm sitting at the gate when you come in." I said, "You will be standing Boo. Remember when we get to Heaven we will have new bodies, you will have new legs." Oh, the smile that crossed your face was priceless. You said, "I'ma have new legs?! Wow!" Then you napped a while. I boo-hoo'ed.
It was so good to know that I haven’t been getting on your nerves as much as I thought. Good to know that you knew you could count on me. Good to hear you tell your family to take care of me and not let me take it too hard. That let me know you were aware of how much you meant to me. You thanked me for being the only one to want what you wanted. But oh child, child, child…every breath I took was like a razor cutting my lungs and heart.
You were so crazy and funny during some of those talks; a comedian to the end. I told Simmons some of the things you said. He laughed so hard. I know you wanted to just close your eyes and wake up in glory, and I am so sorry it didn’t happen that way. Every time you opened your eyes and saw me, you were so disappointed because you knew you were still here. I was so sorry. I wanted to help, but I didn’t know how.
God had dispatched Angels to prepare for your entrance. He had a Special Servant coming Home and everything had to be just so. When He was ready, He told them, “Now go get him.” You closed your eyes and went on.
I thank Him every day for you. I thank Him for sharing you with us all these years. I thank Him for taking you home.
Rest Honey, we are going to be alright. Day by day, hour by hour, step by step, we are moving forward.
If loved could have saved you….
When I first thought about writing this, I thought I’d write a story about you. Then it seemed like I wanted to write a letter to you, so now I’m confused. I don’t know what this is going to end up being.
You should probably save it; it will be valuable one day. You see, I am an aspiring writer. I know you didn’t know that, but I am. Some day I will be published and everything I’ve ever written will be of some value. You will have an original work of mine and can choose to sell it or not. See what I mean? As soon as I get my computer, I’m going to do some real work and begin sending it to magazines and publishers.
I haven’t let you read any of the things that I have already written, but those who’ve read my essays or stories seem to feel they are good. Everyone wants to be my agent; nobody wants to help with the real work.
I don’t know what my first memories of you are. I know a lot of things about my early childhood, but I don’t know if I remember them or if I know them because I’ve heard the stories so often. I was just a little over two years when you were born and I am sure I loved you then as much as my little two-year-old heart could love. I’m sure I was excited to have a little brother. I’m sure I played with you, but I can’t truthfully say I remember. I can remember Henry’s birth and him as a baby, but I don’t have a picture of you or Sue as babies in my head.
So, I guess my first real memories of you would be bits and pieces of you at about four or five, which would make me six or seven. I can remember Momma or Daddy walking me to school and coming back to get me in the evening because I would be walking by myself. Then eventually you got old enough for school and we walked together. I guess that’s why I can walk today, I walked all my life. As I look back on it, that was a pretty good walk to Little Mount everyday. We didn’t think about it, we had it to do, so we did it.
Do you remember the sand bed? I can remember playing with you in the sand bed. I have no idea where sand came from in that location. There was no water there. It seems that sand is only on beaches, but we know better. That was the softest, cleanest sand ever and it wasn’t on a beach, or anywhere near water.
I can remember how Momma used to let you sit on the steps at church because you didn’t want to come in, said the preacher made your head hurt. So she’d let you sit outside on the steps. After you got older, she’d let you stay at home on preaching Sunday. The rest of us had to go and be inside the church. How you got away with so much, I’ll never know. J
I can remember how happy you were on Christmas, how happy we all were. We loved Christmas. We got a toy and candy and fruit that one time of year. We put our boxes out for Santa and went to bed and Momma and Daddy would wake us up early in the morning to tell us Santa had come. Daddy would make a fire so we wouldn’t freeze and we would be all wide-eyed and crazy. You and Henry would get cap pistols and a holster or a tricycle. Sue and I would get a doll or a rocking horse or something. Whatever it was, we were so happy.
Years went by and you were just my “little” brother. I was always there to take care of you. Momma used to leave me in charge, like I could make you all do something or whip you if you didn’t. I thought of you all as not only my sisters and brothers, but as my children also. I remember us leaving Little Mount and going to school at
The bell had rung for us to go back in and you wanted me to push you one more time. I pushed; you let go and fell on your arm and broke it. I thought I would die because I knew you were hurt, and if I didn’t, I knew Momma was going to kill me. They took you to the doctor and he put a cast on. That was one of our few experiences going to a doctor. Coal oil and soot cured all our cuts and bruises. One kind of tea or the other cured all other ailments. I remember waiting on you hand and foot, you were my little brother and I was supposed to take care of you. If for some reason I failed to move as fast as you thought I should, you never failed to remind me it was my fault you broke your arm.
Some time later you sprained your ankle. Daddy built us a swing in the yard. After some time one of the poles had begun to rot and he told us to not use it until he fixed it. They went to town, I was in charge and you had to swing or die. I pushed you a few times and said, “Get off now, before it breaks.” You had to be pushed one more time. Just one more time. When I pushed you, the pole started to fall; I said, “Jump, Johnnie and run.” You jumped and ran, but you ran back to me instead of forward, and the pole fell on your leg. And yes, you held that over my head and insisted I carry you on my back, since you couldn’t walk, and it was my fault.
You always played on my sympathies and got your way. Momma used to take us to town two at a time and every time it was my time to go, you just had a fit and cried all morning, “Oh Bettye, let me go to town, I want to go. Please let me go. Boo-hoo-hoo”, until I said, “Okay, you can go in my place, but make sure Momma brings me something back”. Then you would dry your eyes and joy would prevail again. There I was, taken again, made a fool of, again. I don’t know why you didn’t pursue a career in acting, because you were good.
Time went on, we grew up, worked hard, ate well, never knew we were living beneath the poverty level until we got grown and left home. We went different ways, but somehow you and I ended up here together. I was so glad when you came to
I’m not sure when you went from being my little brother, to being my big brother, my friend, my confidante, my support system, my problem solver, my shoulder to lean on, but that’s what you are. You’ve been there when I had to have surgery. To take me and to bring me home. You listened when the doctor enumerated the things I could and could not do. You even took my car home with you to be sure I wouldn’t/couldn’t drive too soon, as if I am stupid or something. J If I never thanked you properly, let me go on record saying thank you. I know you did that because of your love and concern for me. You’ve let me cry on your shoulder, you’ve advised me about my car or whatever. You’ve just been there for me through the years.
This is just to say I love you and admire the man you grew up to be. You are the best brother and friend anyone could ever ask for. You are the world’s greatest husband and father, and will soon be known as the world’s greatest grandfather. You were blessed with such patience and gentleness where your children are concerned and that’s why they hold you in such high esteem. You’ve always been there for your children, from tiny, tiny babies up to adulthood. And, I know your grandchildren are going to be crazy about you also. They’ll grow up knowing they have the best Pa-Pa in the world
I’ve watched you be up and down these past few years with your health. I’ve watched you agonize over a job. And through all of this, I haven’t been able to do anything to help. I know I have been acting like I’m your mother or something, just royally getting on your nerves. But, I don’t know what else to do. I feel like that sometime. I try to back off and let you make your own decisions and tell me what you want me to know. I know your desire to live and be healthy and work is as strong as mine is; yet I keep worrying you. I don’t mean to, but I do. I know you wish I had a husband or a child or someone to take up my time so I wouldn’t always be in your face, but I don’t. But where there’s life there’s hope. I just might find someone any day now and be so busy you won’t see or hear from me at all. J
I’ll close now. We never know what tomorrow will bring, in fact we can’t be sure of later today, all we have is now. I just want to say I love you, I thank you, I appreciate you, I admire your strength and fortitude, and I thank God for you. You are my hero.
Your soon to be
Saturday, September 3, 2016
That letter was written at work. I didn’t have a computer at that time, so I utilized the one on the job for everything. I imagine I enclosed it in a card for Father’s Day, but I might have given it to you before, who knows. I know for sure I gave it to you, I’m sure you read it at some point, but we never talked about it; the theme then was, “Don’t overly share.” J But oh, those nights in the hospital, I will cherish forever.
Later that year, September 2000, I moved in across the street. Who does that? What single woman consciously decides to move across the street from her brother?! Not just brother, but one who thinks he is daddy and husband. OMG! I mean...really?! But that was, initially, some fun times. I would mention something I needed done and come home from work to find it done. I would come home and find a pie or some other food in the Fridge from your wife. I threatened on many occasions to take my key away from y’all. Never got that far though. That was when I got my first computer, and the rest, as they say, is history. Still haven't gotten famous though. J
Later, when your health began to fail, I was grateful that I could just run across the street and check on you or see how you were doing or take you to an appointment. You did all you could to use me while saving your wife. J It’s okay though. We had it like that. We lived like that 10 years, until I moved back to Mississippi. I know you must have gotten so tired of me crying, complaining and venting about being here. Those first two years were almost my undoing, but you talked me through it, telling me how strong I am; that I’m strong like you. You helped me so much.
We helped each other through the agony of losing Bug. It hurt so badly and you were hurt because you couldn’t attend. I have agonized so much over how hurt you would be that you couldn’t attend any of our funerals should we transition before you. Now that is no longer one of my worries. You helped me overcome my hurt and dismay at the treatment of my cousin and hope-to-die friend during the time of bereavement. Again, there you were with the, “It’s gone be alright. You’re strong like me.” I moved on, we talk, but it will never be the same, but it’s all good.
Now I am so dismayed, disappointed and disgruntled, lots of ill feelings, but it’s going to be all right. You are not here to help me through this, but I am making it. Our good friend has just…I don’t know what words to use. But we had already talked about me sending her the CD’s and her lack of response. I just let it go. Anyway, she came for the service, and what drama!! At the Mortuary, there she was all laid out in the chair like she was the widow. I acted like I didn’t see her. She finally got up and put her hands on my shoulders, and said “Hi.” That’s it, “Hi.” Cynt said she stood at the casket so long, she sent Jason up there to take her away, ‘cause people were having to moving around her. I was somewhere else in my head and didn’t look up when the casket was opened. That’s good, ‘cause I might have gone up there and hit her in her face.
How dare she make it about her! She probably hadn’t seen or talked to you in a few years, now she wants all the attention like she is suffering so much. Give me a break!!! We will be okay someday, but it too, will never be the same, but that's okay too. I've later learned, she was so offended that Rev. Coleman "had" to call her and tell her of your transition. I have no idea how he found out that soon. But you know how fast bad news travel and EVERYBODY wants to be the first to tell it.
As soon as Millie got the news to Jackson, I guess the Jungle drums began. I needed time to process it and it was a minute before I told anyone. Then I sent a text, I could not talk. It was the next day or so before I told the church. I called Lena after a while and the Kings. They wanted to visit, Lena said I needed somebody to just hold me. I declined. I went to her house a few days later and that's what she did. Forgive me if my first thought was not getting the news out, and for what? Like you often said, "What difference was it going to make?" Holding it together and helping your wife and children was my initial concern.
Speaking of our former spiritual leader, he has yet to offer any words of concern or condolences to your wife and children, or to me for that matter. I guess he's offended also, that Cynt's first thought was not to call him, or mine either. It's okay, it's times like these that separate the REAL and the Fake.
I have done all I can for people over the years, cards, letter, my shoulders, my arms, my hands. I have helped them cry, cried with them, told them it’s okay to cry, “You don’t have to be strong with me.” But when I need a shoulder, nobody can put themselves out of their comfort zone. They don’t know what to say or what to do is the consensus. Try doing for me, some…just a smidgen of what I have done for you. Huh? Is that possible? Nope, not for old Bettye. Doesn’t matter anymore. My heart is closed as we speak. No more hurt and dismay for me, not from Family, Friends, NOBODY.
If you don’t expect anything, you cannot be hurt or disappointed. I have not been able to say a word of comfort to anyone but your wife and children. They have tried to comfort me also. I am expected to do all the work. I should call, I should visit, I should send a card, write a letter, do something. I am drained. I am dry. I’ve talked to or listened to anyone who has called. I did write Cynt a letter to read on the flight back. I guess she has read it, but we haven’t discussed it and probably never will. They left me a Thank You card on the dresser. Broke me down.
I made copies of the program on my computer and sent them to some people. I made Thank You cards for myself and for your Momma and siblings; bought stamps also; have heard nothing from anyone. It’s ok, though. I receive nothing and I have nothing to give. Grandmother came over yesterday and brought me a salad and brownie; the panacea for everything. She had just left the hospital and full of information about 231 Roosevelt St. I cannot help her or your siblings, I have nothing left to give anyone. I've been keeping puzzles on her page, that's about as much as I can do for her. I've been putting them on the other page also, even though...anyway, I'm doing the best I can. I have been holding myself together with spit, not very durable, but it's the best I can do. Lord have mercy, Jesus!!
Lena has been my ROCK. Not just at your transition, but all year. For some reason, she gets me. She lets me talk it out, and cry and whatever and she cries because she understands my pain. She said, “Ms Thomas, I have never known anyone who felt the way you feel about your brother…your entire family in fact.” She gets how I feel and has for years. Back in the day, she heard me speak of you and she thought you all were my son & daughter-in-law, and the kids were my grandkids since I had them all the time. Now ain’t that something? Bless her heart. I'm thankful for your sister that you never had a chance to meet, Vee, even though she stays in the tree more than me almost. J Cynt and Chet met her while they were here albeit briefly.
Today is Saturday. A week ago, you were laid to rest in your beloved Utica; right next to Bug. Wish I could have had the spot between you two. J Anyway, that’s where you are. Henry is so happy you came home. He has talked about that for some time. He wants all of us to be up there on that hill. I don’t know if he knows, Sue has a place here in Jackson and will not be on the hill. Bless his heart.
I must apologize for going against your wishes. There was a Wake/Viewing/Family Hour in spite of you saying you did not want the casket opened again. Please forgive me, for asking Cynt to allow it. She agreed only because I told her she and the kids did not have to attend. God worked it out; their flight didn’t arrive in time for it anyway. I will hope your main objective was that they wouldn’t have to attend and go through that again. It turned into a circus. I wasn't there, had no intention of going. I didn't attend the one for Bug either, remember? I saw the signature book, there were so many people there you didn't know and they didn't know you. So the Family Hour turned into a Funeral. And it went on much longer than the actual Funeral. I apologize for that also.
I know you never cared for or understood the color schemes at parties, etc, so for sure you would not have liked it for your ultimate “Party.” There was no color scheme for Bug, don't know why it was necessary for you. I did not, could not participate. I had done all I could do while you were alive and aware of it, it just didn't matter at that point. It was YOUR day, not about me. Michael came from work, so I know he didn't either. He had nothing to prove, he was in touch with you regularly. His last letter/text to you said it all. I wish I could have shown him the look on your face when I read it to you.
I showed it to Vern, it tickled her to death. Speaking of Vern, she did a great job. You would have been so proud of her. She said you had called her in tears a few days before going into the hospital. I am so glad she has been there for you, your friend and spiritual advisor. I know that had to be the most difficult thing she has done since entering the ministry. I was proud of her also.
And yes, there was a Repast/Party/Gathering after the Burial. Little Mount prepared snacks for everyone and the Big Gathering was at your Momma’s. I guess everyone dined sufficiently and was satisfied at how it all worked out. Cynt noticed the big old name plate on the casket and asked me about it. I pretended ignorance. She called Jason to ask him about it, he said it wasn't on there. She said, "Maybe they did it for identification since they were shipping the body out of state." I said, "Maybe." Yes child, you had a name plate, like Jesus didn't know you. After the Burial, Cynt and Chet got in bed and slept 4 hours or so. Probably the first quiet they had had in forever. She decided to go over for a visit after she woke up, then she had to go the Vicksburg. I felt so sorry for her. And Chet didn’t leave her side.
We went to breakfast Sunday and they went back to bed. At some point, she got up and asked me to take her to Ms Hattie's. I moved at her command. When she got ready to leave, we came back and they got back in bed. I can't even imagine all the pain, fear, loneliness and purposelessness that was sitting in her chest at that time. You had been her purpose for so long, now she had "ME" time staring her in the face. I have been asking myself, "What did I used to do all day?" My days seem so very long and my nights seem even longer. I multiply that by 100 and don't come close to what she must be feeling. I hurt for her and will stay in touch. She says she's going back to work this week and I hope she does. I don't know when or how she's going to face the monumental task of packing and letting go. Lord have mercy Jesus.
I know your people loved/love you, and they mean/meant well, so forgive them also. A party can break out for any reason at all. I had no desire to be involved in the frivolity and party atmosphere and felt no need to even pretend. Everyone has their own method of dealing with life and death and everything in between and I will not apologize that I don’t fit into anyone’s template. I wanted quiet and/or one-on-one, but I’m different like that, huh? You were the only one who knew and understood me, so now…there’s no one. Anyway, hope you won’t count this against me. Hope you will still be glad to see me and be standing at the gate when we meet again.
Yesterday was the first day in many weeks that I awakened and didn’t have the elephant sitting on my chest. It was not there this morning either. I ask myself, “What would Johnnie be doing if he was still here?” Then I think of the tears, the hurt, the disappointment, dismay, pain, etc. That’s when I say, “Thank You Lord. Thank You for taking him home to live with you. Thank You for giving him rest and peace.”
When I can get past those certain times of day that we usually talked, when I can get past wanting to share something funny, sad, different, unusual with you, I will breathe a little easier. I miss you so much, but I must let you go. I must stop crying for not having you and rejoice over the 68 years we had. Rest now child.
IF LOVED COULD'VE HAVE SAVED YOU....
My emotions are all over the place, so this may not make sense until you have read it more than once. Thank you for loving and taking care of my brother all these years, good times, bad times, health and the illnesses you helped him endure. I totally agree with Michael, You two, were made for each other. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your and his family.
I have several siblings and I love all of them, would do anything for them, but your husband was my heart. That makes you and the children my heart also. I don’t know all the reasons why, but I loved that man. Sometimes I was one of his children, or he talked to me like I was and sometimes I was his momma. Thank you for allowing me to be in and out of your house all these past years.
Chet asked if I’m coming back to visit. I plan to do just that, whenever it’s okay…when the dust settles a little bit. But, if you need or want my help with packing and moving, let me know. When you need to talk about him, when you need to cry about him, call me and it doesn’t matter what time it is. Nobody knows how much you loved, and devoted your life to him better than I know. Don’t try to bear it alone. I know you are strong, private, independent, self sufficient and all that, but everybody needs help sometimes. Let LeLe help, I know she’s there, just let her help. I’m going to try not to impose or worry your nerves. Let me know, right away if I do. I just want you to know I’m here for you.
I know you need your quiet, “Me N Jesus” time. I’m going to have mine, yes Lord. Have yours. It’s ok. Try not to make yourself sick. Like we discussed, getting back to work will probably be a good thing…but when you are ready. It will sort of break your day up, give you people to be around and yell at. J Call me Girl if you need me.
I would have tried to say this in person, but I already know it would not work. I know you all have to go home and get back to your lives, but it seems like I dread seeing you go so badly. And I can’t even imagine what you are thinking and feeling as you go. We are in this together. Honey said for us to take care of each other. You may not need me, but I “sho-nuff-for real” need you. We gone make it, it’s going to be all right. Some glad morning….
You have $300 in change from the check and the $300 from the church comes after the Head Stone. The change will be in the mail when they release it.
One day at a time, just one day. Love you Girl. Take good care of yourself.
Aiysha sent this clip to me a few days ago. I had a major meltdown after watching it. I just knew it had put such a big old smile on your face to see your boy riding without training wheels.
I could see the smile, in my mind's eye, and realizing I won't ever see it again, on this side, was just a bit much at the time.
I felt much better after it was over.
Miss you Boy.
Went to Choir Rehearsal this morning. Walked up the hill to clean Momma and Daddy's headstone off; Bug's also. Put new Fall flowers on each headstone. Just looked at the site where your body was laid two weeks ago. Felt some kind of way, but didn't weep. Went on inside and tried to sing. Henry called this evening and asked me if I went and how was it. I told him, "Ms Brown still can't play." :)
Your flowers were still fresh and pretty, so I didn't disturb them. I will go back soon to check on them and you. There was some kind of critter in the bushes; scared me to death, but I was on a mission. I thought about the bobcats you were forever warning me about. I just may need to get a gun or something before my next venture up there alone.
So much has been happening lately, stupid stuff, crazy stuff, sad and heart wrenching stuff. I cannot get used to the fact that I can't talk to you about them. Someday though, huh? I just have to keep breathing and putting one foot in front of the other. Lordy Jesus....
Jerry(Scott) is very sick. Grandmother said he asked about me. I don't know how I can go up there and see him and not lose it. I am so raw right now, that I don't even know I'm crying until the tears are running down my chin and neck. To see him like that will surely take me there.
He has not been told of your transition yet, and just as sure as I see him, his first question will be, "How's Johnnie D.?" What will I say. Linda said he's very weak; hasn't eaten in six weeks or so. I can well remember what that looks like. Lordy Jesus!!
Anyway Boo, it's about time for me to shut it down. I texted Cynt today, but she hasn't replied...yet. Hope that is a good sign. Love you much, miss you even more. So glad you are resting. I am...I really am. But, Lordy Jesus, I miss you. All my tears are not for me, I weep for Cynt also. I cannot even imagine what her days and nights are like.
And believe it or not, I am going to let your candle burn brightly. Just watch and be patient. :)
Bye now. xoxo
I've been wanting to get your no-nonsense take on Rick Perry being on Dancing with The Stars for several days. Now after seeing his performance last night, man oh man oh man, I wanted to pick up the phone for sure.
This morning, I woke up to that overwhelming desire to talk to you, to tell you something, to ask you something, to let you tell me something. I wrestled with it then got up and went for a walk.
Let me assure you again, it's going to be all right...in the Morning. But where oh where is that place called Morning??!!
Anyway, Rick Perry is leaving on the FIRST elimination; can't dance, or even move a little bit. Lord, how I would love to hear you rip him apart. Football is in full swing now. Some of our shows are starting their new season next week. There will be new ones also.
Lordy, Lordy, Lordy....
Cynt went back to work today. Yaaaay!! That's a good thing. I pray it helps her a lot in restructuring, finding new purposes and knowing that she has to go on, differently, but go on. Life will never be the same, but go on we must.
Bye for now. Miss you Boy.
I'm having computer issues. If it's not one thing, it's a thousand. I miss venting, got to learn to suck it up and go on, huh? Big girl and all that, right? Yep, I know. :(
It's Thursday, 4 weeks from the day you transitioned. A month, even though Sunday, September 18 will be one month to the date.
All that means absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things; it's been a LONG time. Had anyone told me I could or would live a month without talking to you, I would have said, "Not possible." But, here it is.
Love you, miss you, need to talk to you; yet so glad you are resting. Such a paradox, but moving on.
Today is not starting off good at all. Lord have mercy Jesus!!
I got into something ugly last night; and for some reason, out of the blue, Michael texted me something crazy and I got into a "thing" with him. Brought me back. I read a while and slept, well, I think. But sometimes in the morning, these days seem to stretch out so very long.
I have spent so much of my time/life praying for you, wishing, hoping, feeling, living your pain, shortcomings, indignities, suffering, longings, that now that it's not necessary, I don't seem to know what to do, or what to think about. This entire year has been particularly rough.
My prayers don't feel right, because I don't ask for special blessings for you. There's no need to; you are in a good, wonderful, blessed place. I know this empirically, but my heart doesn't seem to cooperate. Instead of praying for you, now I thank the Lord for you; for your life, for your legacy, for the joy and laughter you brought to so many. I thank Him for allowing me to share your life. And yes, I really thank Him for taking you home to rest. If anyone needed or deserved some rest, you were the Poster Boy.
If I had some special powers to bring you back to "your life" I would not. I'm so glad you are free of that old body that was causing you so much anguish, embarrassment, indignity, pain and suffering. I wish it could have been easier, but nothing seemed to be easy for you, huh?
Lord child, when you told your wife and children to not let me take it so hard, apparently you knew me better than I know myself. At the time, all I could think of was how good it would be for you to not hurt anymore, I had not seen life beyond that.
I'm going to do better, get better, be better. I am, I really am. I ask Him for the ability to do one day at a time. Thank You Jesus. It's going to be all right.
Some days, there are just no words...
today is one of those days. :(
I am still waiting to have a day when I don't have a desire, need or urge to call and tell you something. I know it is coming, but I wish it was sooner as opposed to later.
A remake of The Magnificent Seven is out now, or about to be released soon. Denzel Washington is starring as one of the Seven. Can you believe that? He's no Lee Van Cleef, but hopefully he will be good as a cowboy. (: Who would have thought he would be on horseback.
I know you would be patiently waiting for Jason to download it for you so you could burn it to a DVD to watch and add to your collection. You used to dearly love The Magnificent Seven, and now there is a new, modernized version too late for you to enjoy. Lordy, Lordy!!
Another thing, my vehicle is "racing." I think that's what you called "loping." It's like it just wants to run away from itself. I think a tune-up, plugs and wires, would be beneficial, but the mechanic said they are designed to last 100,000 miles and I have about 83K. So, what do I do now?
Doing okay. Breathing, upright, taking nourishment; missing you so much, but not crying. Your candle is burning brightly. :) :(
OMG! Bill O'Rielly is on Ellen. He just gave President Obama a compliment. I am in shock. This is a red letter day; or it should be. :)
Struggling today. Struggling. Not crying, but struggling. Can't seem to find a comfortable spot to be in physically, mentally or emotionally.
According to Fitbit, I have made 9596 steps and it's only noon. My daily goal is 10,000. 404 more steps and that will be a wrap. Did I mention it's only noon? :) Gosh!!
It's okay. I will be okay. But Gee Whiz....
Miss you Boy!! Lordy, Lordy!!
TGIW! Thank God It's Wednesday!! Ouuu Child!! You don't even know.
It's "Ride r Die" Chick Get-Away Day. Whew! Thank You Jesus!!
Okay, back home.
It was good to get out. These past few days have been something. Considering, there will be an eighteenth, a twenty-fifth and twenty-seventh of each month for the remainder of my life, I must pull myself together and not go into a state of depression.
My children had gotten tickets for a comedy show 2 months ago. When I returned, as soon as I could remember the show, I asked Michael to sell my ticket. Either he couldn't or didn't put forth enough effort; the ticket wasn't sold and I went to the show. It was enjoyable...good to do some senseless laughing...escape for a minute. It felt strange though. After the show, reality slapped me in the face....Lordy.
Anyway, I'm good...I will be good. Time, time, time. Back to today.... It is always helpful to be out with Vee. After listening to her, it reinforces my belief that being blacklisted and excluded is not so bad after all. It's not nearly the worst thing that can happen to you. I really needed the outing today.
I had my first chance to ride in her new car. She has a Honda Accord and the "tag" was $1043. Can you believe it?! OMG! That means I will never be able to buy another new car. So sad, and it's just Jackson; not Hinds County in general.
Oh, you need to congratulate me; I am about to be a Great-Granny. Isn't that something? LOL! I just found out, but I understand the news is and has been on Face Book, therefore all the Face Book kings and queens in the family knew already, but no one deemed it prudent, appropriate or necessary to mention it to me.
Sue and I had lunch Friday and when we sat down, the first words out of her mouth were, "How's your grandchildren?" I almost laughed. My thought was, "Okaaay, so this is it." I said, "They are okay, I guess. I haven't seen them since the party. But I hear I'm about to be a Great-Granny." She said, "Who...Morgan?" Whoop, there it is.
Bless her heart, I guess during the Family Talk(s), she was the chosen one to see if I knew. I will assume she reported her findings. I wonder what would happen if I were talked to, and not about. But, no one seems to be able to do that. No one sees, hears, or understands me, so overtime, I've learned to just not talk. However, I listen very well.
It's okay...it is what it is. I'm too cerebral, I think too much, I see things as they are...through the disguises, and fronting even if and when I don't say anything, and most often I don't...but, I know where the bones are buried.
How well I remember your amazement that you had information about happenings here that I didn't have, even though I live here. I'm good Boo. I'm strong...like you. Ha...Ha. There are no other choices, huh?
I have more to talk to you about, but it's too painful right now. I don't want to come from a place of hurt, anger and pain. If and when I can be rational, clinical, and lacking in emotions, then... Gotta go. Tomorrow is another day, another chance to get it right.
Miss you so much.
The Magnificent Seven was top at the box this past weekend, the premiere weekend. Hopefully it will remain there this weekend also. The buzz is that Denzel is awesome.
A new month, September is history. Good...'cause it was a booger. This month will be better, it has to be. It's Sunday; the first Sunday and I am making no effort for service this morning. My theory has become, as long as I am at Little Mount on the 2nd and 4th Sundays, I am not backsliding. How does that sound? Sounds good to me. :)
I'm doing ok. Often, I seem to really have it together, and then IT sneaks upon me and I have a melt-down. They are not as frequent or intense as they once were. Your eyes haunt me continuously. They were begging me for HELP and I couldn't do anything...not one single thing. It was in God's hands. I know that empirically, but my heart can't seem to grasp it.
I'm so happy for you that your HURT is behind you. There're all kind of medications for pain, but when your heart and soul are hurting, there's nothing you can do, but try to breathe through it. In my humble opinion, you endured more than your fair share of HURT.
But praise God, it's over now...for you. Jesus has dried the tears from your eyes and you are at peace. It hurts me to not be able to share with you the few things in life you still enjoyed. Hurt, hurt, hurt. I'm breathing through it though.
Okay, I'm getting up now to do something, go somewhere, something.
Bye now. Some glad morning....
Henry had an angiogram today. EKG looked a little funny, so the Cardiologist went further. There was blockage; about 50%, not enough for a stint, just medication and lifestyle changes. Since they got to him so late, they decided to keep him overnight.
I went to Bible Study and decided to stop by the hospital on my way home. Not one of my better ideas. Lord have mercy Jesus.
When I walked in and saw him lying there in that bed, I had a major meltdown. If I had had any idea I would react that way, I would have passed on by the hospital. I was doing fine, just walked over to the bed and...I do not know what happened. It was not good at all. I felt so bad afterwards. It was okay.
Lord, I'm weak or something. I have just got to stay away from people or out of the way until I can get a handle.
Boy, boy, boy. Man, man, oh man.
Feeling some kind of way. Not crying. Not sad...exactly; but something; some strange old kind of way.
I miss you. I know it's over; it's the end, or it has ended is more like it, but.... Lordy, Lordy.
I don't know what to feel; how to feel. What to say; what to not say.
I talked to Cynt a while last night. She is drowning. She needs help on so may levels, but....
I know her well-being was your major concern as you were leaving. I know that was your only or your major regret, but you had to go. I hope in time she will work it out and be okay.
I'm walking a thin line between concern and nosey. It's uncomfortable, so I'm going to have to make a decision...soon.
Time to go. Lordy child. Lordy :(
Feeling some kind of way today. Want to just run or hide or run and hide. I feel like a copy of myself...not real, not like the "real me"; whatever that feels like or whatever the "real me" is.
It would probably be beneficial to talk to someone with degrees, licenses, letters behind their name and certificates on their walls. But, what do I say? When I open my mouth to say something REAL, the tears and sadness want to take over. So my solution is to say nothing significant or real.
I hear some of the strangest things leaving my mouth;Things that are of no consequence or have no meaning to me. I'm babbling right now.
I need sleep, but it eludes me. I feel so sleepy sometimes, but as soon as I close my eyes, my mind goes haywire. I seem to wake up around 3 AM and cannot go back to sleep. And, it doesn't matter what time I get in bed.
Maybe writing this and reading it will help me get some perspective or at least help me to get on with it. Maybe I need something to do, a purpose, something to think about.
Sorry to whine. We called it venting, but I'm not angry, so it's not really venting. Whining is all I can think of, so I'm just going to stop.
Johnnie, Johnnie, Johnnie...Child, child, child! Lordy, Lordy.
November, and I still don't know if I'm getting a raise or not. For the past 10 years, you have kept me abreast of that. When and if Social Security got a raise, CSRS got one also. Now...well, I guess I'll have to just look it up for myself or wait for the media. :(
Every day of my life there's something I need to ask you or tell you. I have a better handle on it. I'm doing what I have to do, saying what I need to say, being where I need to be. I think I am appearing to be normal, or at least, all right, or okay. I'm trying to pull it off. Nobody has said anything, but nobody would notice or say anything, come to think of it.
The beat goes on...but I do miss you Boy. Lord have mercy Jesus!!
You will not believe what has happened in our beloved USA. Donald Trump is the 45th President. Yep, it is very true.
I came home from church about 9:15 last night, turned the TV on to check the election results. To my dismay, DT was leading. I thought, "Oh no, this is not good. But the polls just closed in California, so there's time. Let me see what Johnnie is thinking." Then there it was, can't do that. I turned the TV off, took a shower, got in bed and went to sleep.
When I got up this morning, I turned the TV on to see the final result. DT was President. OMG! All the anchors, or TV personalities were looking as crazy as possible. It was early, they had not had ample time to "school" their features for national TV. Laughing at them made me feel better...if I was in fact feeling anything.
I haven't watched any of the hoopla. Haven't been on Face Book. Just don't want to hear it. It's going to be okay. Embarrassing, but okay.
So, it's going to be interesting to say the least. God still is....
Miss you boy.
I dreamed about you last night. That's the first time since you left. It was so bizarre that I can't put it together yet. Momma would be 103 today if she were still here. So, I have just kind of been out of it all day.
In the dream, I was about to head into a building, and you came out the door before I got to the door. So, even though I didn't see your face, your body and gait seemed so familiar to me. Yes Child, you were walking, with a limp, but walking nonetheless.
I changed my mind about going inside and began walking down the street behind you, even though I didn't know it was you; just a familiar man. I kept thinking, "He needs a cane, but I guess he is too macho or something."
Even though you were limping, I couldn't seem to catch up to you, but I couldn't give up and go back. At some point you stumbled and fell. People surrounded you and some were calling 911. By then I had gotten much closer. I heard, "Don't call; I'm alright; give me a hand."
I started screaming and trying to push through the crowd. "Let me through! Let me through! That's my brother!" I woke up; I never saw your face. I have been unsettled all day; can't stop thinking about it. If there was a message there, I don't have it yet. Gee Whiz!
I'm already agonizing over how your family is going to get through Christmas; all the hoopla. You so dearly loved making Christmas special for them. I was in Los Angeles last year from December 4-10, and spent most of it wrapping presents for you. You had worn your computer out ordering stuff. That was a real step outside your comfort zone, because you did not shop online; too many things could go wrong.
Your hands were bothering you, so I wrapped and wrapped and wrapped. You said, "I want this one to be special because it might be the last one." I thought you were feeling that or saying that because you had February facing you. But, I guess you had a premonition. I thank God that he answered prayers. You woke up feeling good and had a wonderful day being Santa.
Now here it is, Christmas 2016 is a little better than a month away. Lord have mercy Jesus!
Rest well Honey. XOXO
Day before Thanksgiving.
There are just no words!!
Lord have mercy Jesus!!
It has been a good day. Much better. Just being me.
Cynt had a rough day, but I had already expected it.
Now Christmas is looming in the forefront. :(
First day of last month of 2016. I will be so glad when 2016 gets on up out of here.
Ordered the Headstone the other day, to Cynt's specifications. Man oh man, oh man, how much fun was that. Soon comes the "joy" of having it placed. Got some flowers today for the vase. So now I wait. He said he would try to have it finished before Christmas. Let's hope so, or at least before the end of the year...please Jesus.
Miss you boy.
It's been a minute, but I think about you and miss you every day of my life. It's difficult to stop doing something you have done for so long.
I got through my birthday...a lot easier or better than I had originally thought. I knew I was going to need to keep it moving, so I left home at about 8 AM and it was after 6 PM when I returned...waay dark.
I went by Grandmother's, to the Post Office, then to Michael's job. His cards saved me. After reading them, I felt calm and empowered. I had received several cards and had not opened them...didn't want to. I opened his immediately and just breathed. The sentiments were so heartwarming. Normally, that would make me weep, but I felt whole and strong for the first time in a long time. I have read them many times since.
I had scheduled a 90 minute massage...keeping it moving. So, I left the shop and headed to Flowood for my massage.
Millie just happened to be off, and she called about meeting for lunch. We met and it was a nice lunch. I'm dealing with new teeth, sooo....
Anyway, it was a good day.
If I could get past the hurt in your eyes, I would believe or know it's going to be all right. I bore your hurt for so many years that it is just so hard to rid my mind and heart of it. You are at rest now and will never hurt or cry again, but I remember the tears you shed down through the years about one hurt after the other. You went on though, you tried to find peace in your heart beyond the hurt and disappointment.
I can't seem to let it go. I hate it so badly that you had to die the way you did. So much you wanted to say, but didn't get the chance to say it. It can't hurt you anymore, but it is still hurting me. Oh child, child, child.
I told Cynt that we, your siblings, are going to handle the balance of the headstone. She said, "No, she's sending a check." You know how fiercely independent your wife is. I haven't gotten the check at this moment and I hope she accepted our help, but we shall see.
I worry about her. She needs help, but she will never ask. How am I to know whether to pitch in or just leave it/her alone? Now, it's about 10 days before Christmas. I cannot imagine what it will be like in that house on that day. Another day I plan to keep it moving.
Oh child, I'm so happy for you. So glad you don't have to cry anymore; don't have to wonder why anymore; don't have to try to be good enough or worthy enough or deserving enough. You can just rest forever. Meanwhile, I'm still trying to make sense of it. Lord, Lord, Lord.
It's going to be okay...after while...in the morning. Where oh where is that place called morning?
Rest child, rest.
Well, here it is the last day of 2016. 366 days of this that and the other. Oh, child, child, child, it has been a year for the record books, but it ends tonight. With God's grace and mercy, we get a fresh, brand new year in the morning.
Christmas is over; we survived. Your boy got home in time to put your tree up. All the kids were happy. Santa was real good to everybody.
I thought your headstone would be ready by Christmas, but no such luck. I went down Christmas Eve and put some poinsettias on your grave. Red and white, in a red vase with Christmas garland around it.
I had put poinsettias in the vase on Bug's headstone and in Momma's and Daddy's earlier. Just waiting for your headstone. I was disappointed, but I had to get something for you because Christmas was your favorite holiday, or at least I always thought so.
Then I thought the headstone would be ready before today, that I could get you set up before the New Year entered; but no.
I was so very upset with that N-word when I talked to him the other day. I'm just breathing through it. I won't call him again, in a day or two. I do not want to hear another lie. He came highly recommended by the guy who did Bug's, but...you know your people.
Anyway, I will get you fixed up soon.